dark beige: ERIC MENERHAUER - FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, CINCINN-ASS-TI SUCKS BONERS

ERIC MENERHAUER - FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, CINCINN-ASS-TI SUCKS BONERS

Posted by Posted by Dark Beige On 20:05

Sunday, 14th June 2009, 8.40pm

Last night was one of the lamest nights of my whole life. Seriously man, it blowed so hard that it could have caused a hurricane or something, probably with some gay name like 'Hurricane Chad'. Why do hurricanes always have the most lame ass names? Like, you never hear about a Hurricane Wolf, or anything cool like that. Also, wouldn't a cool name like that help get those southern retards out of their homes and somewhere safe? People are always like "but why didn't they leave their homes if they knew the hurricane was coming?". Would YOU run for your life if someone shouted "Chad is coming!"? You'd just be like, "it's cool, I'm gonna hang here and play PS3, and if that ass wants to get into it, so be it".

Anyway, Saturday night: Basically, I was all up for just hanging out at the local Arby's and just having a quiet one, but, no, Jake insisted that we just had to go to his cousin Rory's party over in Cincinnati. I didn't want to go, Cincinnati's like, an hour away on the interstate, and besides, everyone knows that as cities go, Cincinnati sucks ass. Like, Cleveland is bad ass, but a shit heap, while Columbus is all prim and proper and nice but a little gay. Dayton is sorta perfect, and Cincinatti sucks the whole of Ohio's ass. 'Whole-io', if you will.

Drawings by Timothy Winchester

So I made it pretty darn clear to Jake that I did NOT want to go, but he insisted that we had to. He'd got a call earlier that day from Rory, who's maybe like nineteen, who told him about this totally cool new life that he's living up there, ever since he moved last fall, and all these cool new friends he's met, and how he's basically having, like, the best time ever. He even mentioned lots of girls he knows and stuff, which to me is like offering a dumb fish a big worm, if you know what I'm saying. And he said they'd all be at the party, tonight (or last night. Keep up).

I was still pretty sceptical, as for one thing I've seen most of Jake's relatives, and those guys put the special in special needs, if you know what I'm saying, but Jake and Randy can be pretty persuasive. Randy's such a horny desperado, he'd do anything. Seriously, he even ended up dressing as a pirate, because he refused to accept the party wouldn't be fancy dress. Randy's a total retard, man. Just because he's only ever been to cool parties that had a fancy dress theme, he doesn't believe there's any other way. I tried to argue with him about it, but you know how it is with that dick, he just tires you out. And besides, pirates are gay. Like I said before, you think it's all Johnny Depp and doubloons and eye patches and shit, but then you watch CNN and it's all chipmunk-faced Somalian weirdos. Randy, you total ass biter.

So the three of us drove there in Jake's Prius, two of us in skate pants and t-shirts and the other with a beard and bandanna, which was gay enough, and finally after what seemed like nine years, we arrived in Cincinnati. Well, all I can say is, if North Dayton is shit loaf, Cincinnati is shit bakery. What a dump! And all the people look like total morons, like they're using up all their concentration walking in a straight line on the sidewalk. It's kinda ironic that these 'tards got a name that's so hard to spell - there's like a hundred syllables and loads of letters that could be single or double, a dyslexic's worst nightmare (NB I realise my comments could make it seem like I'm making a direct link between retardation and dyslexia, and I just want to go on record to refute that. That is not what I'm doing. I would never make that link. Well, all I'd say is, tests are inconclusive. We're not sure either way, yet). But any moron could spell Dayton, and people who live there are cool sophisticates. It makes no sense.

In English, they're always talking about this foreshadowing shit in books, and I guess that maybe our whole entry into the city, which was lame and full of assholes and had no clear directions on the road signs and rained hard was a foreshadowing of how lame the whole night was going to be, but we had had a few beers by then, and in truth, I was even finding Randy kinda funny in his stupid outfit and his weird pirate accent that made him sound like Austin Powers, but not on purpose.

So at about eight o clock we FINALLY get to Jake's cousin's house, which is in some lame suburb. As we walked to the door, we could see a lot of parked cars outside, and the music was kinda loud and we could even hear girls' voices and laughter, and I got to say, we were all kinda stoked.

But the moment that door opened, we went from boner to loner, if you know what I'm saying, as who should we be faced with but a friggin' nun! She was like, 50 and clearly a fuckin' genuine article, (you could just tell straightaway that she's never had a boning, and didn't question why), yet Randy still thought it was just fancy dress, and shouted "ha ha, you faggots, I knew I was right!". But he soon saw he was wrong, and this bitch looked about ready to kill when Jake's cousin Rory appeared. His presence seemed to smooth things over, and we went inside, and my God (or Satan, I don't give a shit, so don't try to suck me in) if this party wasn't a vision straight from hell, which was ironic as it was populated by a bunch of homo Bible freaks and nuns.

Jake's cousin Rory has become some kind of Catholic weirdo! He wants to be a priest and devote his life to God and shit. I'm sorry, but that's so gay. Is it any coincidence that all the major religion's likeness of God is male? No, because they all want to bone God, and bone a man at the same time. I'm sorry God, you can strike me down if I'm wrong (please don't).

Rory was all creepy and weird and being like, overly attentive to us, and really trying to kind of bombard us with attention and niceness. He was even getting all these chicks to come and meet us and hang around, and I don't mind admitting that some of them were hot, but at the end of the day, they're Christians, man. It ain't gonna go nowhere good in a hurry. It's like a meat eater being obsessed with this juicy steak, but its actually saving itself for one special eater, and it ain't him. By the time that steak has found that eater, it'll be all old and tough. And there was obviously no booze on the premises, so the chit chat was hardly even flowing.

Even if these chicks were interested in anything other than St Mark, chapter Luke or whatever, nothing could ever happen with all those nuns milling around. They were everywhere! And they weren't even being very friendly. Like, have you ever even seen a horror movie, you old crow? Whenever you first meet a creepy old evil nun, they're always really friendly at first.

Jake was trying to make the most of it as he was obviously a little embarrassed his cousin wants to be a priest (don't blame him), but me and Randy knew it was lame, so we quietly slipped off to check out what else was going on. We wandered around for a while, until eventually we found this dark room at the back, and at the back by this table there was some big chalice full of wine! It was like the sort of glass Conan would drink out of, too cool, and I just took a little sip when all of a sudden these two old hags appear (nuns!) and they're spitting mad at me! That ass wipe Randy ran off leaving me to take the heat, needless to say.

Well, I gotta say, words failed me. I know I should have just told them to bite my ass and ran out of there like I would in Dayton, but I was in Cincinnati, a long way from home. I could have just apologised, but I heard the words 'parents' and 'phone call' being mentioned, and after that whole Vegas shit, I didn't want to take chances.

So instead I decided to tell them that I was a devout Catholic, a seasoned altar boy, and that I always took it upon myself to check out the purity of the holy wine as part of my duties. I even made a sign of the cross, which seemed to help, as suddenly these old bitches were all smiling and shit, welcoming me like the son they could never have had.

I'm just telling myself that yes, I really AM the man, when suddenly hag number 1 says she's got an idea - why don't I take on altar boy duties at mass? I'm like "yeah lady, sure, I'd love to" (I'll be gone way before Sunday and no one need ever know) when suddenly this old pedophile priest walks in the room and says "let's get ready for mass"!

I can't believe I'm really typing this, but these Cincinnati Christians are SO lame, they were actually having a mass in the middle of their party! It was like, the highlight of their evening! And even worse, I was gonna have to be altar boy.

Jake and Randy filed in with the rest of the asses and I was really looking to them for help, but they just left me totally high and dry, Randy smirking in his lame ass pirate beard. Well, I tried to say that I was feeling unwell, but they were just like "God will give you strength", and indeed, I was saying "give me strength" under my breath as Mass started.

It took about 5 minutes for me to be exposed as a total fraud, up there on stage (altar / whatever) in front of everyone. I had no idea how much work an altar boy has to do. I thought they just stood there and look holy and say "Amen" and shit. But no, actually they have to do lots of stuff - pass things and tidy things away and move positions and hold books and shit. I kept getting it all wrong, and I didn't know any of the words to the prayers and hymns and shit, and suddenly this nun (hag number 2) grabs me off the altar all angrily and tells me to just get out, and never darken her door again.

Never darken her door again - what a gay ass phrase. Like what was I going to do, go round to her house with a tin of black paint and paint her doorstep a new colour? Actually, I would do that, if I knew exactly where she lived. Cincinnati, I'll bet. Stupid hag.

So the three of us left, and Jake's cousin Rory looked a little pissed off, then Randy remembered that Bill Hicks line and said "forgive us, Rory", and we laughed hard, which almost made up for everything, but didn't. Fucking Cincinnati.

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