I'LL MISS YOU, BIG GUY
By Vinnie Jones
RIP Dennis Hopper. Dirty Den, Dennis the Menace, Denny, Den, Big D, the Hoppernator. These are all names I never called you because we never met - but I still feel like we're the best of mates. After all, we're BOTH Hollywood royalty, wild hellraisers from different generations who are united by our respect for this great noble art of acting.
I'm amazed you never came round for a kickabout with lads like Dusty Hoffman, Ally Pacino, Bobby Duvall (Bald Bobby I call him!) or Geney Hackman. I even let that lesbo Streepy have a kickabout once!
Now I guess you're taking corners in heaven, while raising hell in, erm, hell. RIP big man. Go fast, Easy Rider, take the road at Speed. Erm...those are the only films of yours I know, sorry. You weren't really very famous.
Anyway, why did you never come round for a kickabout? Do you think you're too good or something? You fucking cunt. I'm a legend! Star of Legend of the Bog, infact. Who are you? Some old nobody. You don't even deserve to go in goal (that's Tommy Berenger's job).
DOES ANYONE WANT ME TO SAVE THEIR LIFE?
By Nick Knowles
I famously present DIY SOS, but right now I'm wondering if you've got an SOS of another type for me, one that doesn't involve painting, sawing MDF and surprising mums with cancer. In fact, I'd much rather it involved twisted metal, scorched tarmac, bloody faces and screaming babies.
I've already saved two different people from the wreckage of cars, so let's make it a third.
Everyone knows good things come in threes. This duo is anything but satisfying - like a bodge job by some cowboy builder on a poor mum's patio!
Come on, make it happen. Do It Yourself.
PETER ANDRE SUES HARVEYS FURNITURE STORE
"It's out of order for them to sell blinds, with his condition"
TAYLFORTH: BONO COULD JUST HAVE PANCREATITIS
"He wants to come and see me instead of all that expensive surgery"
LIVE ON SKY BOX OFFICE: RUSSELL MANIA
Live from the Houston Astrodome only on pay per view, it's the ultimate Russell-ing event!
10 famous Russells will battle it out for ultimate supremacy! Only one Russell can be winner!
Featuring...
Russell Brand vs Russell Howard for the tall, shouty comedian belt
Kurt Russell vs Ken Russell for the surname belt
Russell Crowe vs Russell Grant looks to be the most mimatched of the evening, but does the camp astrologer know something we don't?
Rumours are that gay Dr Who writer Russell T Davies could make a special guest appearance, ringside...
Def Jam founder Russell Simmons vs obscure Canadian comedian Russell Peters is a grudge match, but no one knows why.
Don't miss Russell Mania - Order Now, Sky page 678
10 SONGS ADAM ANT MIGHT HAVE SUNG
Mad about the Boy by Ava Leigh
Blue Loon by Richard Rodgers and Lorenz Hart
Crazy by Grnarls Barkley
Bonkers by Dizzee Rascal
I'm Going Slightly Mad by Queen
Basket Case by Green Day
Insane In The Brain by Cypress Hill
Paranoid by Black Sabbath
Sectioned Healing by Marvin Gaye
Prince Self Harming by Himself
Anything by Madness or Mental at Work
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/bizarre/2982163/Adam-Ant-has-been-sectioned.html
MARK CROFT ADMITS: I'M FUCKING MY CARS
- "I'll fook anything"
- "I always warned Kerry that's what I'm like"
- "I treat my girls good, only the finest carwashes and valets...but no one else better touch"
- "I made Kerry pay for my lovers to live with us"
- "I blew £100,000 on them in just one year - and my wad"
- "These sexy sluts are all shiny and noisy"
- "I tried to stick an exhaust pipe up Kerry's arse once, but she got bored"
- "I'm a fookin' cunt, me"
SIMPLE JACK
I went to London Zoo with my pals the other day.
There were no birds with their tits out anywhere, so I went Nuts : )
10 SONGS NEIL MITCHELL FROM WET WET WET MIGHT HAVE SUNG
1. Blood is all around me
2. Witha little help from my fists
3. Good fight girl
4. Sweet little mystery (where that bruise came from)
5. Angel (black) eyes
6. Sweet surrender (or else)
7. She's leaving home (I've hit her)
8. (Bruised) lip service
9. 'Wishing I was Rocky'
10. Hold Back The River (Of Blood Running Down Your Face)
GUARDIAN SPORTS JOURNALIST EJACULATES AS HE WRITES "FULHAM TOOK IT TO THE WIRE"
"UNNNGGGHH...Stringer Bell"