DARK BEIGE IS BACK >>
Daily comedy website covering celebrities, TV, film, music, characters and more.
We hate you, you're not our real dad
YO, KICK THE RHYTHM AND MOVE TO THE MELODY
By early 90s dance rapper Turbo B
Yo, kick the rhythm and move to the melody,
Move the dance, there ain't no remedy.
Hit the floor, and rise to the top,
The beat makes heat, your feet can't stop.
Max out to the treble, and move to the bass,
The sound is the rhythm and the rhythm's in your face.
Step up to the plate, and dance til you die,
The party's right here and the limit is the sky.
Shake to the music, the rhythm is your friend, the beat keeps pumping and the party never ends.
Etc
I DON'T BLAME PETE TOWNSHEND'S WIFE FOR GETTING A DIVORCE
All that researching he must have always been doing for his long awaited book about paedophilia
ERIC MENERHAUER - LEARNING
Monday April 6th, 1.14pm
Who is this "Obama" everyone keeps talking about? Why have I never heard of him? Just kidding! I did that joke in history last week, and I killed it.
Today I'm supposed to be doing my science project but I can't get going. I even tidied my room to get out of it, but it didn't take anyway near the eight hours I'd allotted, so here I am now on this.
I'm real worried because I saw a thing on Discovery about how teenagers are like sponges, how we can learn pretty much anything because our minds are so adaptable. As we get older, our ability to learn slowly and surely drips away. Well, I tried to read my science notes and do a sponge on them, but all I got was an epic fail. At this rate, I'll be retarded by 18.
Good thing I'm going to move to LA when I'm 18 and become a porn star. Seriously, I reckon I could. Jake says they'll never cast someone so young, but he's obviously never seen Barely Legal. I'll show him. Though, just to be clear, that doesn't mean I want Jake to watch me in a porno. That would be creepy and faggy. Jake, if you're reading this, I mean it. Do NOT do it, dude.
YOU'RE NO OIL PAINTING YOURSELF
Unless the painting was called "bulldog licking piss off a nettle" (copyright G Bushell)
ERIC MENERHAUER - THINGS THAT SUCK
Saturday, 4th April, 11.20pm
Stuff that sucks: Zac Effron is 17 again in some gay new movie. Well, I'm not even 17 yet, and I know I hate it. I'd rather star in some reverse movie called Suddenly 42, where I suddenly wake up and am really old and lame, than watch that shit.
Madonna trying to adopt another African kid. Ha ha, fail.
I need a girlfriend. Not having one is starting to really bum me out. I might have to become a monk or something at this rate. Maybe I could become Brother Cadfael and solve murders and shit. Actually, that would still suck.
I'm sick of this credit crunch shit. I'd rather we go back to talking about Iraq and stuff. Seriously.
I hate Obama's wife. It's not racist or nothing, she just annoys me.
1ST BIRTHDAY: I'M SURE I WAS JUST CHASING A MAN AND A LARGE DOG
By the Scooby Doo monster
I was just running along and chasing a scruffy-looking man and a large dog, who have been meddling in my business. If I catch them, i'm going to rip their arms off! However, I've come round this corner, and they're absolutely nowhere to be seen.But there are these two hairdressers here, who have offered to give me a cut. Well, why not? Can't hurt.
Hmm...I've never seen a dog cutting hair before...they should get that guy on YouTube!
I remember that other time I was chasing those two, and I went round a corner and they had disguised thmselves as hot dog vendors. They tasted pretty good, as well. They wouldn't try to pull that one again, would they?
Hold on...they have! ROARRRRRRR!!!!!!!!
R KELLY HAS MOOD SWING(BEAT)
"I believe I can fly...I hate my life"
Oldie but a goodie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCXlCkY4Y5g&feature=PlayList&p=CD62F11253C2A765&index=0&playnext=1
DON'T FORGET ABOUT MY AMY!
By Mitch Winehouse
It's been a little while since my Amy's been hogging the headlines. She hasn't punched a stranger in ages. But that doesn't mean she's better, believe me. She's still a very sick girl who needs help.
Amy is fine, she's on the mend. Time away from the spotlight has done her good. She's in danger, she's doing better than ever.
There's nothing much to say, but I'm here 24/7 if you need a quote. I don't like to talk about it.
CALLS GROW FOR JONATHAN ROSS TO PAY "SACHSGATE" FINE
"Will you pay, Ross?"
"Fine?"
"You will pay, then?"
"Fine?"
"Good"
EAST ANGLIA OFFICIALLY RENAMES ITSELF IN HONOUR OF BRAVE JADE
"It's the least we could do for the people's princess", said councilman Jim Everton.
DIGITAL COMPANY SETS UP VIRTUAL BEAUTY SPOT FOR SUICIDAL TEENS TO KILL THEMSELVES ONLINE
"This way they can just get on with it without needing to keep telling people about it on social networking sites"
MINE WAS BETTER
Jack Tweed's real funeral poem: "If only I could stop the clock and turn back the hands of time. To a moment in a crowded room when your eyes looked into mine. If only I could walk once more on a sandy beach with you. Holding hands with Bob and Fred the way we used to do.
My life will never be the same without you by my side. Grief almost too much to bear, pain difficult to hide. But when we look into the sky for the brightest star above, Bobby, me and Freddie will send you all our love."
The fake one: "You came into my life in Faces in Gants Hill.Your smiling face gave me a sexy thrill.I knew that you was off the telly,so I overlooked your protruding belly.
We started going out, and had loads of rows, But when you got ill, it was time for vows.Wedding ones.
Also, I attacked a kid,I'm sorry for them things I did.
Now you fly, fly so high,In the sky, the sky, the sky.Why? O Why?Why did you die?You're looking down now from the sky, the sky".
BERLUSCONI HOLDS UP NATO CONFERENCE
"...I think you are calling for the Odeon Manchester. Is that correct?"
ERIC MENERHAUER - MR CRAIG'S WIFE
NORTHERN UPROAR STEP ON THE REUNION GRAVY TRAIN
The Britpop bad boys have announced a massive comeback gig at the O2 (shop in Stockport).
I'M JUST SO TIRED
By Matthew Horne
God, I'm so tired right now. I've just been working so hard. The sketch show, the movie, the play, the interview with the Observer magazine about my grooming regime...I'm pooped. No wonder I collapsed.
Mmm, tired. Really tired. Just going to close my eyes for a minute. Mmm, what? Need to rest.
Can you tell everyone I'm just having a quick rest? Maybe wake me in June, see how I feel. Tell James just to go ahead without me.
Zzzzz
OBAMA HAS A DREAM
"I was back at my old high school, except everything was kind of faded and all the teachers were dressed like soldiers"
FIRST BIRTHDAY: CHRIS ROCK REACTS ANGRILY TO BEING MISTAKEN FOR CHRIS TUCKER
"Do people called Chris all look the same to you, motherfucker?"
WATCH OUT HAKKASAN, HERE COMES HARKISHIN!
Popular Coronation street actor Jimmy Harkishin, who plays exuberant newsagent Dev Alahan, has announced his intention to open a fine dining Asian fusion restaurant in Mayfair.
SAME DIFFERENCE SPLIT UP
As in, split up from being brother and sister. But then start consoling each other in a really creepy way.
ERIC MENERHAUER - FACEBOOK
Thursday April 2nd, 6.13pm
Why do girls act like they like you when they don't? That bitch Donna Sumner (not the disco woman, this is a girl) was DEFINITELY flirting with me when I saw her outside the mall in town, but when I added her as a friend on facebook, I'm still waiting for a response! It's been like, 2 hours! And don't tell me it's because she's busy or something - her dad bought her a Blackberry!
The spoilt bitch.
Too angry to blog right now. Hold on, I'm getting a Facebook status update...zombie application? Randy, you asshole! My friends are just so immature. They don't get me at all.
TATE EXTENSION GETS GREEN LIGHT
Catherine Tate's proposed £215m extension has been given the green light by planners, the comedienne has said.
The 11-storey, brick and glass structure - designed by Swiss architects Herzog and de Meuron - will greatly increase capacity at the funny woman.
The comedy council approved the revised project for the extension which is expected to be completed in 2012.
Tate said £74m had already been raised towards the extension - a third of the overall cost. She said she was "delighted" the plans had been approved.
It will lead directly into her upper torso and the interconnecting spaces will become the "foundation" of the new Catherine Tate.
The star said: "I look forward to being one of the most exciting cultural buildings in Europe which will bring direct benefits to myself and comedy as a whole."
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7979891.stm
BANKER KILLED ON DEAL OR NO DEAL
Anger at the banking system has got so bad that literally no bank or banker is safe. With Natwest in Luton set on fire and all Saturday staff at Barclays in Aberdeen executed, things had already got way out of hand before this week's G20 summit.
But no one could have realised things were so bad that even the mythical banker, who chats to Noel Edmonds via telephone on hit "opening random boxes" game show Deal or No Deal, was also in danger. But earlier today a breakaway anti-bank group calling themselves the Continuity anti bank brigade phoned the Guardian newspaper to announce that they would kill a high profile banker in the near future. Police naturally assumed the group would be targeting senior banking figures like Fred Goodwin, and rushed to add reinforcements to continuing round the clock protection protocols.
However, it was hours later live on Channel 4, at around 4.20 this afternoon, that everyone realised the demented group's true target, as host Noel Edmonds telephoned the banker for the first time that episode to hear his initial deal.
"What's that banker? You say a madman's got a gun to your head?", Edmonds said, initially mugging to camera and giggling along, presuming it was all a wind up. But as the one-way televised chat continued, it soon became clear that things had taken a sinister turn, as the colour drained from Noel's face, meaning his skin matched his ashen beard. "No, no, don't!", Edmonds pleaded, but it was too late, and the banker was executed live on the other end of the phone, with many viewers hearing the faint snap of a gun barrel exploding.
Edmonds fell to the floor in shock, no doubt realising he was the first TV host ever to have two people die live on his shows in his career. Recovering his poise later, the star said the incident was just another sad symptom of broken Britain, and vowed to fight Hemel Hempstead council on draconian health and safety laws.
