Wednesday July 15th, 3.21pm
Not been on here for a while. Not because I've been busy, because I've become so lazy and inactive, even writing this seems like a chore. But that's all coming to an end, as I finally got a job, working at the bathroom store at the mall. It's gonna suck, but a lot less than that douchebag hair salon did. C'est la vie, or something.
Besides, it's only 24 hours a week, and that's not so bad. Also, I can get a 25% reduction on any bathroom fixtures or towels I might need. That shit can come in handy in the credit crunch.
Other stuff: Been hanging out with Randy more than usual, as that spoilt asshole Jake went to Europe for two weeks with his parents. Lucky prick. I'm hoping we can still go away later in the summer to Paul Jones' aunt's place in Florida for a total bonefest, but mom and dad say I have to raise at least half the money myself. I tried to offset that figure with significantly cheaper towels and sinks, but no joy. Those tight ass boners.
Anyway, hanging round with Randy means you soon revert to being a little kid, and spend even more time talking about (but not) boning, smoking a bowl, and acting like an ass. It's been a blast, even though Randy is a total ass biter at least 75% of the time. I guess you could say that the price I pay for towels in my new job corresponds exactly to how much of a boner Randy is, for any math geeks out there. Maybe you wanna put that into binary or something. Or BONERy.
The other night we were just out on our bikes riding around and getting high, when we cut through this alley down by Carlton Street. I didn't notice it, but Randy suddenly stopped and was all excited by this trashcan which had like, bags of shit spilling out of it. Now, I know Randy's parents are kinda poor, but this was too much, so I told him to come on and stop being such a bum.
But Randy had actually noticed something kinda cool - a bag of old hearing aids. Hearing aids, man, what a strange thing to throw away. Like what, did you suddenly regain hearing or something? Because I gotta say, I didn't read about that particular breakthrough in any medical journal (I don't read any, but I'd expect the best news to make CNN). What is it with the name, anyways? Randy said hearing aids sound like they're a sexual disease gays get through putting dicks in their ears, and for once, he wasn't wrong.
Well, what do you do if you find a bag of old hearing aids in an alley? That's right, you put them on. We both stuck them on top of our ears and started doing stupid deaf voices, which made me feel a little bad, as my cousin Suzie is partially sighted. But when you're with Randy, you've gotta go with the flow, so we laughed our asses off and carried on.
After a while I was a little hungry, so I said let's cycle over to the Wendys and get a burger. I went to take the hearing aid off, but Randy said that if I took it off now, I was a total ass biter (kinda like telling a hardcore Muslim the Koran is gay if he doesn't do that suicide bombing), so I had to cycle over there, still wearing it. I just knew he was gonna make me go in and order a burger with it on, and I was right. I tried to protest by saying "but I don't know sign language", but he said that not all deaf people need to do sign language, some are only a little hard of hearing.
Well, sometimes a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, as some old pedophile said. So we walked in and went to order, me just hoping I didn't see anyone I know, but the coast was clear. Well, actually the coast was quite the opposite of clear (dirty?), when it came to hotties, because the chick at the counter was HOT. Like, seriously, Megan Fox couldn't even do up her shoes. I don't know why she'd want to tie this babe's shoes up, but it sounds hot, like it might lead to some serious lesbo fest.
I've been watching too much porn (still need a girlfriend), but anyway, she was hot. So I was dreading having to talk to her, but I quietly ordered my burger with a little deaf accent thrown in, trying to tone it down as much as I could. Later, Randy told me that I sounded a little like Cartman when he does that little whining voice to his mom, but I don't think it was that bad. It can't have been, because this chick didn't rumble me at all, in fact she seemed to REALLY like the fact I had a hearing aid, like it was almost hot.
Chicks, man. They make no sense to me. Like all the time I was trying to be all sexy and handsome and devil may care and shit, and getting nowhere, but as soon as I stick a weird plastic caterpillar on my ear, it's all like "let's bone". Ok, I'm exaggerating, but there was definitely something going on, she kept smiling as we took our burgers off and sit down. Even five minutes later, I was still catching her eye!
Randy even picked up on it, and said "you've gotta go back over there and get her number, you pussy". The thing was, he was actually right, I DID need to get that number, or I'd never forgive myself.
And you know what, I did! And this girl (Tiffany) gave it to me straight away! Like, there was no pleading, no bullshit references to science projects or nothing. For a moment, I was Brad Pitt.
I'm walking on air, man. Now all I gotta do is call her, arrange a date, and work out how to bring up the whole "I'm not actually deaf or even hard of hearing" thing.
Actually, life sucks boners again.
TO BE CONTINUED...
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