THOUGHT FOR THE DAY, WITH BRANTON CHADWICK
The collective noun for a group of seminar optimizers is a motivation. Example: 'There goes a motivation of seminar optimizers. Those guys are great'.
'WIREGATE' - GUARDIAN GUIDE EDITOR RESIGNS
The continuing fall out from the Guardian Guide's 'Wiregate' scandal continues, as today editor Mike Blake also resigned.
He follows journalist Peter James, who was hounded out of his job last week following revelations made in a TV review that he "didn't really watch The Wire" and found all the fuss surrounding the hit US cop show "a little baffling".
Immediately, James and the entire publication was hit by a huge backlash from furious fans, angrily demanding his resignation, with the promising young writer's position soon becoming untenable when star columnist Charlie Brooker threatened to kill him - in print.
Now Blake has also quit, to help hopefully draw a line over what he called "the darkest week in this publication's history".
COMING SOON TO LIVING: JACK POTATO
The Living channel have announced that hot on the heels of Jeff Brazier getting snapped up for his own reality show, SuperDaddy, it has now been announced that the digital channel have also signed up Jack Tweed for a new fly on the wall show, Jack Potato. The series follows the struggling star's attempts to move on from the death of Jade, and start his own business, a chain of jacket potato restaurants in Essex.
"I rememeber when I was a little kid my nan always used to take me to Spud U Like, and I loved it. My restaurants are bringing all that back. They're not just spuds you like, they're spuds you'll love!", the grief-stricken widow chortled.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY, WITH BRANTON CHADWICK
If I was a restaurant (and bar!), I'd definitely be TGI Fridays.
DJ AM'S DEATH A VIRAL MARKETING STUNT FOR NEW FINAL DESTINATION MOVIE?
The American DJ was found dead in his New York apartment, last night, apparently after a drugs overdose.
Or was it "death's design" finally catching up with him, a year after he arguably should have died in A Carolina plane crash that killed four others?
And all of this the same weekend that 4th movie The Final destination 3D hits the cinemas...
DO LOOK BACK IN ANGER: NOEL QUITS OASIS IN LOCKERBIE-FUELLED RAGE
It's the news everyone's been expecting, but no-one actually wanted to hear. Noel Gallagher has sensationally QUIT rock band Oasis today, shockingly BLAMING Scotland's handling of the release of Lockerbie terrorist Abdel Basset al-Megrahi for his decision.
"It's fookin' out of order that, man" the Manchester-born star said.
DARK BEIGE RADIO - PODCAST 3: POOR NOEL FIELDING
The latest podcast, Featuring more Jack Tweed, Katie and Peter, Noel Fielding, Ronan, Nelson Mandela and more.
Now hosted on Podbean, so you can subscribe and have each new podcast added to your iTunes account automatically: http://darkbeige.podbean.com/
BRANTON CHADWICK
I accidentally gatecrashed a militant feminist seminar - a feminar. Those little ladies were NOT pleased to see me : (
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY, WITH JACK TWEED
I enjoy a good roast any day of the week, but NOT on Sunday! I'm always too tired and sick by then.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY, WITH BRANTON CHADWICK
If you want to reach the top of the computing industry, you need a hard drive
EASTENDERS ACTRESS ACCUSED OF MURDER
Insists she's being framed as part of a bigger conspiracy. "I'm just a Patsy", she said.
CASHING IN ON HIS MATTRESS MOMENT, JACK TWEED SHOOTS SILENTNIGHT ADVERT
Ends up fucking the chick while the hippo watches (not for the first time?)
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY, WITH JACK TWEED
In today's Mirror, Jordan acknowledges that she's not to everyone's taste: "I'm like marmite".
You're damn right, darling - a weird shade of brown and easily spread, LOL!
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY, WITH ERIC MENERHAUER
I'm a horny teen, and even I wouldn't bone Katie Price. She looks like she smells of sick, GROSS.
AMERICANS DEMAND SCOTTY FROM STAR TREK BE RENAMED FREEDOMY
Also want to rename: Freedom eggs, freedom broth, freedom tape and Freedom of Antarctica.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY, WITH MOLLY SHAN
Shame on you, Scotland. I threw my shortbread and tartan away earlier, and i was not finished with them : (
AMERICANS DEMAND CHANGE TO NAME OF DUNDEE CAKE
Will now be known as 'Freedom Cake'. Update: I was actually joking, but this is sort of true: http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3191063
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY, WITH BRANTON CHADWICK
My seminar brings all the boys to the yard,
And they're like,
It's better than yours
ALIENS LAND ON EARTH & DEMAND TO SPEAK TO ASHTON KUTCHER
Based on his popularity on Twitter, the aliens demanded the Butterfly Effect star be brought to them, to speak for the entire earth as they gave him a final chance to plead for the planet's existence, as they prepared to totally obliterate it.
"Woah! I feel like I've just been punked", the handsome actor said.
SONGS TO WATCH OUT FOR, WITH PAUL BETTS
PAUL BETTS
You can't be careful when it comes to music. For one thing, it's so-called 'music' that a lot of kids listen to when they're dangerously off their head on ecstasy tablets, and for another, it's these very songs that can often promote an at first harmless seeming but actually very dangerous notion that kids should in some way 'get up' and 'party'. And just look what happened to my Leah when she listened to that.
As people should hopefully know by now (if not, where have you been for the last 14 years?), if there's one thing I firmly stand against, it's partying. That's why I wrote my book, "The Party's Over: Life Without Leah", and why I'm already devoting my life to breaking up parties wherever I see them, in case anyone dies (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2009/08/paul-betts-terry-lubbock-ultimate.html).
But the sad truth is, I can't be everywhere at once, no matter how hard I try. And believe me, I've really tried. That's why I need YOU to be a little more vigilant, and just pay a bit more attention to the tracks you listen to on your 'iPods' - dangerous little things, a bit like ecstasy pills.
Here are just a few that I've unearthed, that you need to be careful of:
* S Club 7, S Club Party - You might think that these four sexy sluts and three gays are going to invite you to the best party ever, but they're not.Believe me.
* Eddie Murphy, Party All the Time - Party all the time? This guy is DANGEROUS! Stay away. Don't let 15 years of bland family films fool you, neither - once a party animal, always one.
* Snoop Dogg, Life of the Party - Shizzle my nizzle, fizzle on a whizzle - stay away.
* Bloc Party, Helicopter - Bit of a curveball here: party is in the band's name, not the song title, and they're really shit. Still, you know what to do (steer clear).
* Pink, Get the Party Started - Don't be tempted to start a party with this spiky haired punk popstrel, no matter what you think about what she'd be like in bed - she's dangerous!
Seriously, it's dangerous out there. I can only do so much.
MY DREAM WOMAN, WITH BRANTON CHADWICK
Hi, I'm Branton Chadwick, seminar optimizer and personal potential maximizer extraordinaire. As some of the regular readers here may know, I recently discovered my wife cheating on me with my brother Carlton, in what was the toughest moment in my life since I narrowly missed out on the "King of Seminars" award in 2003, losing out to none other than that snake in the grass Bantley Screnaheim. Sorry, Scrantley Benaheim. Sometimes I get so angry, I forget his name.
Well, the time since has been real tough, and there were times there where I wasn't even sure that an uplifting epigram that hijacked some popular notion to further prove the underlying truth of good business practice was enough for my life. This was not helped by hearing about my nemesis Scrantley Benaheim, that no-good fake life coach, back on the scene, and peddling a false seminar of shit.
Crazy, dangerous times, that have thankfully passed. As I sat at the bar of my local TGI Fridays last week, I knew that I'd turned the corner, and was ready to love again. Not because I met a girl that night, I didn't; there were one or two fine fillies there, but I wasn't in the mood for THAT.
No, because I met a young guy at the bar called Chip Menagan. Chip's just 19, and he's a handsome young buck with an eye for the ladies, but a heart for business. As soon as I met him, I felt like I'd met myself - 20 years ago. Meeting this boisterous young buck with a heart full of spreadsheets and a head full of truisms, I felt truly inspired to put down that slice of fattening, heart clogging self pity pie, and pick up an energy enhancing optimized seminar shake.
Now I'm back with a vengeance, and so raring to go that on Friday night, sitting at home bored, I flew to Tampa to attend a seminar, just on a whim. It wasn't even relevant! It was about making the most money in a fast food franchise, but still, it helped. Even better, when I was there I met a girl called Amy Rose who's got a body to die for, and a mind to max.
This girl KNOWS business, believe me, and knows more than anyone I've ever met (besides myself) about the best way to get people motivated - with totally uplifitng thoughts and feelings.
Don't take MY word for it - check out this little hottie's Twitter account!
Some amazingly uplifting highlights, that say it all:
* Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.
* Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
* Generous people are rarely mentally ill people
* Nothing is more expensive than a missed opportunity.
* You do not lead by hitting people over the head - that's assault, not leadership.
* If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it.
* Persistence is to the character of man as carbon is to steel.
* Show me a thoroughly satisfied man, and I will show you a failure.
* No, I never did get lost, but I was bewildered for three days once.
* The time is always right to do what is right.
* The real voyage of discovery consists not in making new landscapes but in having new eyes.
* Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out.
* You are overcome by the fact because you think you are.
* I am always doing things I can't do, that's how I get to do them.
And finally, the line that sums her and this whole amazing industry up:
* If you can't convince them, confuse them.
I LOVE this girl!
ERIC MENERHAUER - THE TARDS AT TILE WORLD MAKE ME SICK
Friday 21st August, 2009, 7.12pm
Will Ferrell wants to be a jockey, but he's really tall. And a total asswipe. But he still makes it. 'Elf on a horse'.
I HATE MY LIFE. Have to get up every damn day and go to the stupid mall and work at Tile World, the most retarded store on earth. The people there are so friggin' stupid! It beggars belief, or begs belief, or whatever the hell that lame ass phrase is. The guys are all bumbling pedophiles in short sleeve shirts and ties who bring in their own gay silver coffee holders and talk about sports and shit that no one actually cares about, or they're hard working Asian geeks, or wiseass losers who are still kidding themselves that this is just a phase in their life that won't last forever.
On that basis, they're pretty much ready to go in just about ANY Judd Apatow movie, starring Seth Rogan, Jonah Hill and any other asshat with a big frizzy Jewfro. Not being funny or nothing, I kinda like all those movies, but have you noticed that they've basically re-released the same movie about 100 times now? I got so bored at work arranging tile displays, I started to think about other Apatow style movies that are probably coming soon...
Will Ferrell wants to be a jockey, but he's really tall. And a total asswipe. But he still makes it. 'Elf on a horse'.
Will Ferrell is a childish adult, but now HE's got to run a nursery! What will he do?
Will Ferrell is blind, but now he's got to run an optician!
Will Ferrell's best friend is turned into a whale. Now he must travel to sea world to set him free.
Adam Sandler is just a big angry manchild, but he's actually amazing at baseball.
Seth Rogen is a man who turns into a bear. But when his family comes to the park with a picnic, will he attack them?
Seth Rogen is a giant asshole. Paul Rudd is a sphincter. It's the ultimate bromance pairing
Will Ferrell is Seth Rogen's father, but he acts like his son! But when a baby is left on their doorstep, they BOTH have to grow up fast
When Will Ferrell is left a bear in the terms of a will, he has to grow up fast, in a great big bear hug of a comedy
Jonah Hill & Paul Rudd are two men whose girlfriends are total bitches. They really want to bone each other, but instead get new girlfriends.
Adam Sandler is retarded. But he's also really good at fishing.
Steve Carrell and Seth Rogen are two bungling stoner hitmen, sent to kill each other!
Seth Rogen is a primary school teacher who falls in love with his blackboard.
ADAM SANDLER FUCKS A DOLPHIN, AND LEARNS A LIFE LESSON.
It makes me wanna puke, man. Not The Hangover, though, that film kicks ass for the Lord.
Other stuff: Tiffany is actually really boring. Hot but boring. The upside of the whole hearing aid thing is that we don't talk on the phone, which is a relief, as she's so damned dull. She just keeps talking about Twilight and True Blood and shit. Like, "vampires are gay, honey, get over it!" But no, she won't. And she's pretty prudish too. I tried to make a little joke about how I had a little blood somewhere on my body that needed sucking, but she didn't bite. Which might have hurt if she took the whole vampire thing too literally.
It all presents me with something of a tough decision, as next week we're FINALLY going to go to Florida for our vacation - me, Randy, Jake and Paul Jones. I just KNOW that there's going to be hot chicks in need of a boning left, right and centre. I've seen Girls Gone Wild, man! So...what to do? Do I stay faithful to Tiffany, or do I step up the plate and become Casa-bone-a? It's hard. Just thinking about it makes me hard.