HI, I'M ALEX JAMES, AND I LOVE CHEESE
It's the darnedest, funniest thing - I used to be a rock star, but now I'm a cheese making farmer!
I don't know quite how it happened (it's a bit of a Blur!, lol), but one day I put down the rolled up note and picked up a rake. I stopped snorting lines and started eating cheese and wines, I gave up smoking crack, and started scoffing brie on crackers.
Back then, the only bag of South America's finest I was interested in was small, white and made of cocaine. But now, it might be some rare Argentinian Jarlsberg, or something.
I've put down the groupies and pick up the Gruyere - who'd have thunk it? Not me, not me.
I live in the country and I've got a family. I used to be a cunt, and now I'm still a cunt, but a cunt who makes cheese.
It's hilarious.
MR BLOBBY TAKES TRAGIC PILL OVERDOSE
The sad former star took a lethal cocktail of prescription drugs.
He left a suicide note, simply saying "Blobby!"
JOHN SMEATON ATTACKS FLAMING SAMBUCCA IN BAR
"I thought it was another bomb...this is Glasgow, we'll set aboot you!"
CONFUSED MUM LITERALLY GOES TO ICELAND TO BUY DINNER
"Where are the sausage roll party packs?...the prawn ring?"
NOW MOAT MAD MUM TERESA BYSTRAM TAKES HER KIDS TO SEE THE POPE
"He's another hero...he kept them kids on their toes"
CLIFF BANGER!
Ageless star invents a time machine - then travels back to the 50s, to fuck himself!
Congratulations! That's what many fans are saying to Cliff Richard today, toasting his success at being the first man ever to successfully travel through time, and using that incredible gift to go back in time to the 50s, track down his younger, rakish self, and have sex with the Living Doll.
Sir Cliff's been on a Bummer Holiday, away from any Devil Woman, just him, his young self, a Bible and some lube - Two to the power of love.
When Cliff saw himself, he perhaps creepily exclaimed "Daddy's Home", kissing his Lucky Lips. He begged his younger self "Please don't tease", saying he'd loved him from a distance. He implored himself to suck him off, whenever God shines a light (i.e now).
Then he traveled back to the present, sated, and decided not to do it again. "We don't talk anymore", he lamented.
TALI-BEN!
So-called "Gentle" star hides a violent secret!
Lovable bear Gentle Ben, a hero to millions in a career that spans over 40 years, hides a terrible secret - he is also a Jihadist!
The dangerous grizzly had his head turned by extremists online, years after his kids TV heyday, and now recruits others on the "Jihad Paw" website, frequented by many other formerly famous animals (people like Flipper, Lassie, Free Willy and Benji) where he talks of hating the west and even beheading Clint Howard, the actor who played young Mark.
"He's an animal", one unnamed source said..."he was once a lovely young bear but Bin Laden and his sort have rotted his tiny mind. Don't leave any picnic hampers out or he'll blow them up!".
But the controversial star does have some fans..."I think he's well sexy", Jodie Marsh said yesterday.
