SNOOP DOGG: I LOVE KIZZLE UP APIZZLE
Spliffed out rapper Snoop Dogg has revealed the latest in a long line of unlikely bits of British culture he loves - cult 90s sitcom Keeping Up Appearances!
"Oh fo sho, Hyacinth was my homey", he drawled. "She was totally ghetto. And she was hot too...I wish she'd rubbed those white gloves over me, checking for dust and shizzle."
Snoop also loved Richard. "Yeah, that bad ass was my homey too", he chuckled, "brother was always getting it in the neck - "Richard! Richard!", but he straight manned up, did what the fuck he wanted".
"But Onslow was my favourite...that brother was a gangster fo shizzle. That ni**a brought the wifebeater vest to the West Coast! Before him, no one was rocking that look in the ghetto". On hearing that actor Geoffrey Hughes, who played Onslow is sadly fighting cancer, Snoop paused for prayer.
But Snoop reveals one character he isn't so keen on. "Who does that Vicar ni**a think he is? All looking down his nose at Hyacinth and her candle lit suppers? She made a real effort with that shizzle man, that's just disrespectful!"
"It's not her fault her mad poppa would always show up with his pants on his head, thinking he was still in the war".
WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH BEING PUT IN A BIN?
By "Singing Binman" Andy Abraham, from X Factor 2
What the hell's 'bin' going on? Why has everyone got it in for poor Mary Bale? They shouldn't be hounding this poor woman, they should be giving her a knighthood! Arise Dame Mary Bale, for services to bins! And cats!
So she put a cat in a bin - what's the problem? Sounds like a treat to me! Who wouldn't love to be shoved inside one of those big plastic boxes of desire, thrashing around surrounded by waste and maybe even excrement? 15 hours isn't long enough!
It makes me feel VERY excited just thinking about it...stroke my back, pick me up and BAM! In I go! Yes please!!!!
I've come
DISABLED? HARDLY! FULL TIME PAEDO CAUGHT CLAIMING BENEFITS
Disability cheat was at it 24/7
A man who claimed disability benefits while regularly looking shifty, having piggy eyes and glasses and looking at pictures of kids, has been jailed for 18 months.
Mike Samson, 47 , claimed more than £22,000 over a five-year period.
He told officials he had a back problem which meant he could hardly walk. But investigators from the Department of Work and Pensions (DWP) filmed him hanging around a beach snapping kids, and lurking outside a children-only play park.
Sheffield Crown Court heard how Samson began claiming disability allowance in October 1989.
However Howard Shaw, prosecuting, said that by 2002 his condition had improved and he began downlaoding child porn on his laptop.
Following an anonymous tip-off investigators began a month-long surveillance operation during which they saw no visible signs of Samson's alleged disability.
During this time he was seen carrying laptops and looking a bit wrong. Witnesses also told the DWP that Samson was following kids and leering at the Don Valley Stadium gym.
Judge Robert Moore QC sentenced Samson to 12 months for benefit fraud. Vernon Sanderson of the DWP said: "Today's sentence says to those people who think they'll never be caught, and there are no consequences to what they do, 'you're wrong'."
A LEVELS DAY: SINGLE BOY ALLOWED TO OPEN RESULTS ON BEHALF OF ENTIRE MALE POPULATION
"We got 9 million As, 6 million Bs and 8 million Cs"
Elsewhere, business as usual...
MOAT ASH DRAMA
People in Rothbury have spoken of their anger and disappointment after the ashes of Raoul Moat were scattered by his family in a river near the town, not realising that a dramatic eleventh hour switch had spared their blushes.
The former nightclub bouncer went on the run after shooting his former girlfriend, her new partner - who died - and a police officer. Moat, 37, shot himself in Rothbury, Northumberland, on 10 July after a six-hour stand-off with police.
Thinking his ashes were just a few miles away, local people said the town's hopes for recovery had been set back yet again, but actually, Moat's ashes had been flushed down a toilet hours earlier, saving them the risk of a lone fleck of his dead DNA floating into their eyes or mouths as they strolled in a beauty spot.
Moat's family believed they were scattering Moat's ashes in the River Coquet upstream from Rothbury, but it was actually just some cigarette ash collected outside a local pub, and substituted in the urn by a quick thinking local paedophile who saw the unattended urn left outside a toilet while the owner had a pee. "I was only there to look for kids, but I did my civic duty", he leered.
An urn and photograph believed to have been left at the spot where Moat shot himself were later removed. Chairman of Rothbury Parish Council Peter Dawson said people were "very angry and very disappointed". Then, being told of the switch, he laughed. "Well, that's fine then", he chortled.
KATIE PRICE: "I'M AN EXTREMIST IN BED"
Bin Laden: "Wouldn't, even if I was stuck in this cave for another 10 years"
Pandre: "I'm not happy, mate. I don't want extremists anywhere near my kids, boo hoo"
Reid: "What's an extremist? I'll fight Bin Laden...I'm a cave fighter"
PETER ANDRE BREAKS DOWN IN COCKTAIL BAR
"Harvey Wallbanger? HARVEY WALLBANGER?
Of course he bangs into walls you insensitive bastard, he's blind!"
HI, I'M MARTIN FREEMAN, AND I'M AN ACTOR
This is me normally
This is me playing angry
This is me playing amused
This is me playing sad
JUSTIN: I WANT TO BE THE MEAT IN A MUGABE / YENTOB MANWICH
"I want both"
JUSTIN BIEBER is not one to set his sights low despite his small stature
He's looking for an older manfriend and says his perfect guy would be a ROBERT MUGABE and ALAN YENTOB cross.
But since they are both too old for him, the bolshy Biebster wants to take both Robert and Alan out for dinner so he can tap them up for some dating advice. You've got to admire his front.
Justin said: "Robert Mugabe and Alan Yentob are two of the hottest guys in the world - and so normal and funny with it. If I was a few years older they are the kind of guys I'd like to date. I want a younger version of Robert and Alan - a mixture of the two would be hot. Maybe they could coach me and tell me how to work out which ones are the good ones. That would be pretty awesome”.
Justin said: "Robert Mugabe and Alan Yentob are two of the hottest guys in the world - and so normal and funny with it. If I was a few years older they are the kind of guys I'd like to date. I want a younger version of Robert and Alan - a mixture of the two would be hot. Maybe they could coach me and tell me how to work out which ones are the good ones. That would be pretty awesome”.
"I would like to invite the two of them out for dinner so they can tell me the best way to win a man like them."
Talented
Justin admits he has started looking for an older man now. I'm sure there will be no shortage of candidates for the 16-year-old. He explained: "I am happy being single but that doesn't mean I'm not seriously looking. The problem is when I meet a middle aged man, I don't know if he likes me or if he likes the lifestyle”.
"Also, the really hot guys go around acting like they know they are hot. It's rare to find a guy who is both hot and really cool, but I know they do exist."
Even though Justin concedes he can't date his two potential agony uncles, he would still like to record with Alan and Robert - and also with ROBBIE WILLIAMS.
Justin added: "I want to meet Robert and Alan in a professional capacity too, not just because they are hot but because they are super talented.”
Talented
Justin admits he has started looking for an older man now. I'm sure there will be no shortage of candidates for the 16-year-old. He explained: "I am happy being single but that doesn't mean I'm not seriously looking. The problem is when I meet a middle aged man, I don't know if he likes me or if he likes the lifestyle”.
"Also, the really hot guys go around acting like they know they are hot. It's rare to find a guy who is both hot and really cool, but I know they do exist."
Even though Justin concedes he can't date his two potential agony uncles, he would still like to record with Alan and Robert - and also with ROBBIE WILLIAMS.
Justin added: "I want to meet Robert and Alan in a professional capacity too, not just because they are hot but because they are super talented.”
TOWNSHEND: SLOW DOWN PETE, DO YOUR RESEARCH
"I read about you writing some new children's books on Digital Spy...can't help thinking your rushing into things a bit. Have you done your research? How much? Not 7 years worth, I'll bet. Remember how long you "worked in the studio" on your comeback album? That was more like it. You can't rush these things, got to be thorough.
However, if you do insist on getting it out there fast, and do a reading to some littl'uns...can i come along?"
