PAINFULLY POOR PORTUGAL PUN
The holiday resort that was the scene of the Madeline McCann case has been hit by more bad luck, when they last night suffered flash floods.
You could say Praia De Luz has suffered a prior deluge.
ROBERT MUGABE SCORES 400 GOALS IN ONE MAN FOOTBALL MATCH
Awards himself the "Zimbabwe World Cup" Trophy
YOU'VE BEEN LYING TO ME, LILT!
By Mike Thompson, British holidaymaker in Jamaica
What the hell is going on? I've been in Jamaica for three days now, and I haven't seen a single can of Lilt anywhere.
Yeah, I was supposed to be having a good time relaxing in the sun and looking at the scenery, but I couldn't help feeling something wasn't quite right; that I'd been cheated in some way.
First day we arrived I was inexplicably grumpy, which my wife Pauline picked up on. "I'm fine" I snapped when she asked what was wrong, but truth was, I wasn't, and I didn't know why.
Then yesterday it occurred to me when I saw a local man delivering bottles of Coca Cola and Fanta to the hotel kitchen - Here was a black man delivering soft drinks in the Caribbean - and there was no Lilt anywhere to be seen!
Where the hell was the famous "Lilt man"? He thrilled and entertained us in the 90s, as he cheekily delivered up the tangy crush to chilled out locals and even one or two sunburned tourists (the infamous "lobsters on the beach"), and I for one naturally assumed that this was an accurate slice of Caribbean life being shown.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7kDpTinaRe4
My wife did always say she didn't think there really was a Lilt man, but I soon sorted her out. At the very least, even if I could grant the possibility that he didn't exist, I still felt sure that Lilt was so common over here, it was almost like tap water.
Now finally in 2008 we've come to Jamaica for our summer holidays and I am gutted to realise that they don't even sell it here! In fact, they've never heard of it!
What's going on, Lilt? Have you been lying to us all along? You wankers. It's totally ruined my holiday, and now I'm just going to sit here for the next 11 days, glumly seething with rage. And it's your fault.
Yesterday I briefly rallied when I overheard some tourists talking about a "lovely Lilt", but when I barged in and questioned them on what they were talking about, it turned out they were just saying that the Jamaican waiter's accent had a lovely lilt to it.
I became very angry.
SIMPLE MINDS ENJOY HUGE SALES HIKE AFTER MANDELA CONCERT
"We've sold three copies of their Greatest Hits", HMV report.
CAN'T THE IRA GET ANYTHING RIGHT?
First Mark Chapman shoots John Lennon.
Then Michael Abram stabs George Harrison.
Then the IRA kill Robert McCartney.
Idiots.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/2206122/Sisters-accuse-Sinn-Fein-over-Robert-McCartney's-murder-trial.html
MUGABE AT GLASTO!
Festival goers in for a hate-filled treat!
Robert Mugabe is set to make a surprise appearance at this year's Glastonbury music festival. The African dictator legend - who is in the middle of his 'Backwards Nazi' UK tour - is reportedly set to perform at the world famous three-day event on Sunday.
Organiser Emily Eavis revealed on Wednesday a last-minute surprise guest was set to play - but refused to say who.
She told the official Glastonbury festival website: "We've just confirmed a really exciting last-minute surprise on The Park Stage, but we can't announce that yet."
The name had been kept under wraps until today's reports that the funky dictator is to play at the event.
Anyone who tries to leave while he performs will be beaten and raped by thugs, but Mugabe denies that he is worried about rival, smaller stages, calling acts like Franz Ferdinand "big imperialist babies".
WAR OF WORDS BETWEEN BBC AND ACTRESS PATRICIA ROUTLEDGE
Routledge: The BBC is "run by ten-year-olds" (after they cancelled Hetty Wainthropp)*.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1029700/Patricia-Routledge-says-BBC-run-10-year-old-children-detective-series-axed.html
The BBC: Hands up if you think Patricia Routledge is a big smelly poo!
* In 1998, meaning they're now 20, to be fair.
NEW CELEB COUPLE DOOMED FROM THE START
JOHN & LESLIE
For the last time, we haven't raped anyone!
Have we?
MORE LESLIE
In his latest rape defence, John Leslie says: “I am asked to recall events from one night in November 1995.
I defy anyone to remember what they were doing 13 years ago on a particular night."
Well John, on the 17th November 1995 I went to a Dream FM hardcore night at the Gardening Club in Covent Garden, so defy me if you will.
Perhaps if you kept a diary you'd a) remember what you did and b) have less time for all that raping you seem to like.
DO YOU THINK MAYBE I COULD SAY A COUPLE MORE LINES THIS SERIES?
By Petri Hawkins Bird, bailiff from Judge Judy
It's been eleven long years now, over 800 hours and over 7000 cases we've heard together, Judy.
And in all that time, I've never spoken over nine consecutive words. Do you have some problem with me? Some reason why I never do anything more than introduce the defendants and hand you papers?
Couldn't you just let me intervene on a particularly impassioned case with a bold, stirring soliloquy? Or express my anger at the defendant in a series of blows to his head?
Or anything, really. Couldn't I just pretend someone has double parked in a disabled space and we need to move it pronto?
Something? Please?
Aah, shit.
AFTER SUCCESS OF CRIMEWATCH AND TIMEWATCH, BBC LAUNCHES MORE NEW SHOWS THAT RHYME WITH "IMEWATCH"
Here are some of the highlights...
Chimewatch - Nick Knowles presents this live link up to some of Britain's biggest bells (including himself).
Dimewatch - Jeremy Clarkson cast a sly, bigoted eye over the success of the Swedish confectionery.
Grimewatch - What are Skepta, Wiley, Dizzee Rascal and the East London posse up to? Myleene Klass finds out!
Slimewatch - Richard Hammond goes on a quest to find the lovable, fictional ghost from Ghostbusters - Slimer.
Mimewatch - Everyone loves a good mime artist - but they can also be very dangerous if not handled correctly. Fiona Bruce investigates.
BRITAIN'S FIRST RACE HATE TERRORIST PAEDOPHILE
The Daily Mail closed down in sheer ecstasy when they first heard.
They then swiftly re-opened in anger when they realised he's a far right extremist, and not a Muslim.
Note that when asked why he made the weapons, he said: "I'd had a couple of cans. I was just sat around bored."
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7469180.stm
RAJ PERSUAD'S APOLOGY FOR PLAGIARISM STOLEN FROM ANOTHER DOCTOR
Dr Raj Persuad faced fresh controversy last night when it was revealed that his public apology for plagiarising four articles from other authors for his book From The Edge Of The Couch, published in 2003, was also plagiarised.
Persuad said "I am very sorry for any distress my actions caused. I had not meant to willingly plagiarise anyone else, but I got confused. At the time I was working very hard and was very tired and stressed out, and lacked a proper support structure to ensure mistakes were not made".
However, an American academic, Mike Lerner, has come forward to say that Persuad's apology is word-for-word the same as his own for stealing his contemporaries' works, back in 2001 in New York.
"I can't believe he's stolen my apology", he angrily blasted, "I want some credit".
Persuad said he had not realised that the apology was lifted, as he had been very tired and stressed out when he made it, three days ago.
WATCH OUT HEATHER! YOUR NEW FELLA IS A BAD BOY
Friends say he's "a right heel", which Heather seems to need.
DEAR RIK WALLER
The obese, embittered almost rock icon advises on your dilemmas
Dear Rik,
I have had the hardest life ever. My parents both died when I was very young, and I was sent to live with my Uncle Josef in Austria. He locked me in his basement and kept me there for 30 years, where he regularly molested me, and we even had a child that grew up feral and crazed.
Now I have been released, but I am so depressed and traumatised by what has happened that I almost wish I was still there, where at least I could evade truly thinking about what happened.
What should I do?
Maria, Austria
Dear Maria,
You think you've had it bad. Try wowing the nation with your outsized good looks and amazing vocal skills, only to be denied certain fame by a combination of cruel mother nature (my cold) and pure evil (Simon Cowell, who said I had to withdraw from the competition if I couldn't perform, rather than allow me time to recover).
Then you'll know about true misery, believe me.
Rik
PS: And that fucking Darius
Dear Rik,
Here in Zimbabwe things are really not good. If you dare speak out in any way you risk the very serious threat of a beating, rape and murder. Things are so bad I often consider suicide, but my faith says it is not right. But I still think I might.
Is there anything you can say to stop me going through with it?
Kumwe, Harare
Dear Kumwe,
Darius Danesh may have the so-called matinee good looks, but he does not have a true baritone voice. That's all I'll say. You work the rest out.
Rik
Some amazing stuff here: http://bigrikcouk.brinkster.net/ (Particularly the poems)
NEIL BUCHANAN QUITS ELECTION "FUN-OFF" AGAINST PAT SHARP, AMONGST MOUNTING VIOLENCE
CITV - Art Attack presenter Neil Buchanan quit CITVs fun-off election Sunday, saying violence had made a fair vote impossible, in a move that virtually hands victory to Fun House presenter Pat Sharp.
"We will no longer participate in the violent illegitimate sham of an election process," Buchanan, 56, told reporters at his home, saying he could not ask supporters to cast ballots "when that vote would cost them their lives."
The opposition chief said Sharp had "declared war by saying that the bullet has replaced the ballot", referring to Sharp's earlier threats to fight to keep Art Attack out of power.
"We believe an election that reflects the will of the people is impossible," he said, as he appealed to the ITV network, Fun Union and regional body SADC to "intervene and stop the genocide".
Buchanan added he would announce a decision on his next moves on Wednesday -- leaving open the possibility, however slight, that he could change his mind.
The move brought a dramatic end to a presidential campaign that had been marred by allegations of brutal violence, with the opposition accusing government backers of terrorising its supporters.
It also almost certainly handed victory by default to Sharp, 84, who has ruled CITV since Fun House launched in1987 and, according to critics, presided over its decline.
Sharpe's FUNU-PF party said Buchanan had quit the presidential run-off election "to avoid a humiliating defeat" and that he "had no other option."