2010: A YEAR IN REVIEW, PART 3
Away from Raoul, in July, smugness levels soared with the launch of the iPad, and Duncan Bannatyne revealed he loves cigarettes.
In August, Sean Connery revealed where he went to school, Justin Bieber revealed who he wanted to date, Martin Freeman showed his dramatic range and there were familiar scenes on A level results day. Snoop Dogg revealed his love of Hyacinth Bucket, and cat bin lady caused a stir.
In the Autumn, Michael Barrymore taunted the Lubbock family, Cliff Richard invented a time machine, went back in time and fucked his younger self, and Alex James shocked everyone with his love of cheese. Gap employees had a swingers party, Storm from X Factor humiliated himself (again) and fire extinguisher student became a hero.
Finally, Man United's Mexican striker has 400 nicknames, and a doctor uses a calculator to break bad news, while Beckham can't solve everything (or anything).
Phew! What a year! Join DB in 2011 where hopefully Pandre will still be crying, Townsend still not releasing, and everything still fucked.
Happy New Year!
2010: A YEAR IN REVIEW, PART 2: RAOUL BRITANNIA
After England's humiliation at the world cup, and our betrayal by Nick Clegg, Britain needed a hero. A modern day Robin Hood, a man who stood up and did what he wanted...A red faced bouncer with homicidal tendencies, a cut off t-shirt and a stupid name. That man was Roaul Moat.
He ha a funeraoul and cremoation, and became an unlikely hero, causing Raoul mania. He even inspired a misspelled tattoo, and Simon Cowell admitted he was a fan, while Jay Kay wrote a song about him.
2010: A YEAR IN REVIEW, PART 1
In January my baby was born so I didn't pay too much attention to other stuff.
But the final Celebrity Big Brother wowed the nation, where Vinnie Jones was revealed to be a total bellend. And it snowed yet again, despite a Facebook campaign to make it stop, while Peter Andre went on a shooting spree in a school, because he loves kids.
In February, disaster struck in Haiti, David Cameron appealed to as many voters as possible, Stephen Fry was given listed status, and Ashley Cole revealed a talent for rubbish excuses, as every footballer going had a sex scandal.
In March, even cryin' Peter Andre was exposed as a hypocrite, Turbo B from Snap got a job as a doctor, Mitch Winehouse adopted an African orphan and Jack Tweed starred in the picture of the year.
In April, Cleggmania briefly gripped Hollywood (hindsight is a bitch), Jimmy from 911 agonised over whether he was to blame for nine eleven, while Josef Fritzl's famous "file that made him smile" got everywhere. Gentle Ben was revealed as a rapist and a woman gave birth to a potato.
In May, election fever reached a crescendo, and the Sun went for a misjudged cover. Mark Croft admitted he was fucking his cars, and famous Russells faced off at Rusell Mania, while Vinnie Jones lamented the sad loss of Dennis Hopper, who he never met.
In June, two dead celebrities started a drum and bass night in heaven, and Glastomania took hold.
Come back tomorrow for part 2, and the summer of one very special red faced doorman of hearts - Raoul Moat...
DOES A BEAR SHIT IN THE WOODS?
We asked the stars...
Brookstein: Yes. But only because Simon Cowell told him to. He uses people. He once made me take a shit in a bin and eat it.
Boyle: Yes, a bear does, while it rapes its own retarded kids and eats AIDS.
Gazza: I know Beary, man. He's OK. I brought some chicken and a can of lager. He won't shit on me.
Andre: I don't know if it does mate. I suppose it might, while looking after it's little cubs. Aah, I love those cute little guys, *blub*.
Gentle Ben: I do sometimes, but only because I miss this little boy so much. Sadly he grew up to look like a paedo.
More bears in woods: http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/10/celebrities-speak-their-minds.html
HARVEY'S GUIDE TO SWINGING
Very good. To be actively encouraged.
Not so good. Be careful if you get involved that things don't get out of hand.
Very bad. Avoid at all costs!
CHARLES AND CAMILLA SHOCKED BY DIGITAL SPY
"What do you mean Alexandra Burke's next album will be sexier? It can't be!"
http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/music/news/a292278/alexandra-burke-lp-two-will-be-sexier.html
BITTER IRONY AS JADE FROM DAMAGE'S ANUS IS SEVERELY DAMAGED IN BIZARRE ACCIDENT
"The bitter irony is keeping me smiling through this unlikely trauma"
DAVID BECKHAM USED IN GOVERNMENT BID TO STOP HEAVY SNOW
"Come on snow, mate, stop falling. I'd really appreciate it"