HAPPY NEW YEAR
Goodbye 2008, roll on 2009 and the apparent end of the world (slowly and painfully, not a fast, alien-packed, exciting apocalypse).
P.S This is the first picture for 2009 on Google Images, and I'm going with it.
OUCH
"The 27-year-old was charged with assault for chomping on her fella’s willy after the couple had been drinking."
HOT FACES TO WATCH OUT FOR IN 2009*
*As in, they're cool and talented, not because they're violent rosacea sufferers
Meet the hot new faces on the block who will be rocking YOUR world in 2009...
James Pembleton-LaForge Jones
This dishy young 19 year old is the latest in the long Pembleton-LaForge Jones acting dynasty to hit the screens, with a combination of insolent good looks and thespian chutzpah that is sure to see his star shine bright in 2009. Up first in British Raj period ensemble The Little Brown Boy, Pembleton etc will then be seen in Mike Leigh's Ne'erdowell before starring alongside Hollywood heavyweight Dustin Hoffman in superhero blockbuster Captain Britain. Critics and peers alike have hailed JPLJ as an exciting new talent to watch for. "He's lovely", Sir Ian McKellen enthused.
Max Kilroy Silk
Controversial ex-TV presenter and UKIP politician Robert isn't the only Kilroy Silk making waves - young grandson Max is only 9 but already is being hailed as the next Graham Coxon. His first album, St Ives was a haunting, bittersweet collection of guitar only folk songs, inspired by the art scene of the 60s in the quiet Cornwall town, and next year will see Max collaborate with Damon Albarn on a poem, compose the music to the new Martin Scorcese movie and release his second opus, the more upbeat Hello Dresden.
Fenula Jones-Lavelle
Take one part Keira Knightley to two parts Meryl Streep and what do you get? Fenula Jones-Lavelle, the beautiful young English actress who's enchanting the acting world. Aged just 14, she's become Woody Allen's latest muse, and will also play mysterious new pupil Gretchen Mulligan in the next Harry Potter film.
Aarten Gloop
This Danish four piece are so cool right now, you'd be advised to wear a fleece if meeting them out in public. The hip Dane punks are certainly not your normal rock band - lead singer Aldus Clown is severely retarded, while lead guitarist Gunther 2 is a convicted paedophile. The other two are all quirky in some way as well. With fans from James Corden to Madonna singing their praises already, expect the band to go mainstream when their first album Klaus Piss gets a major release in the UK.
Argos Voucher
Hailing from the mean streets of East Dundee, this Scottish rapper has been described as the Celtic Eminem, while legend Jay Z wants to collaborate on a track. Voucher, real name Thomas Pope, raps about the harsh realities of growing up on a diet of stodgy, battered foods and cigarettes, and his first album Scot Nothing to Do With It should see him confirmed as our most exciting urban voice since Mike Skinner.
THIS SHOW IS NOTHING WITHOUT ME
By Jane Stone, chief signer on BBC TV show See Hear
When I first started signing on this show back in April 2002, it was a complete joke; stuck in some deaf and dumb scheduling backwater at about 1.30a.m on a Thursday, watched by only 150,000 unfortunately hearing or sight impaired viewers.
But as I occupied that bottom eighth of the screen with a potent cocktail of old school beauty, timeless grace and fast fingered sheer signing, it soon became apparent that things were changing.
In the years since, I've signed everything from reports on atrocities in Rwanda to interviews with Michael Caine, and it's surely no coincidence that as my onscreen time has increased, so have ratings by an impressive 20,000 viewers, while our slot has been bumped up the schedule by an incredible average of twenty five minutes earlier.
I've made this show what it is through the sheer majesty of my signing skills, and yet I'm still asked to occupy the same paltry amount of screen space that I did when I first started signing. The standard one eighth screen share agreement might be enough for some, your Judy Sheltons and Mark Boyds, but not for me. Call it a "sign" of the times, but I expect more.
I want at least one sixth screen time when I sign, or even the mythical one fifth that Mexican signer Jose Conchero enjoyed while signing a soap opera in 1994.
If my demands aren't met, I will walk. I've already had the Hollyoaks omnibus on the phone, saying they want to talk.
Just do the right thing.
I'M FAT, AND I'M FUNNY...LOVE ME
By James Corden
Phew! 2008! What a year it's been! It will go down in history as the year that one very special man stepped up onto the world stage and reunited a fractured world through a message of hope; overcoming years of institutional prejudice to prove that if you really dream it, you can achieve it.
But enough about my best newcomer BAFTA; I'm certainly not here to talk about me. Because I'm just a normal bloke like you - a bloke that has won shedloads of awards and even got a snog off that Lily Allen.
This ordinary guy has a bit of a burden to live with - I'm a little bit overweight. And I'd like to think I've become something of an everyday icon to other ordinary Brits who carry a bit of extra timber - the little big guy who can still get into the Groucho, despite his ungainly girth.
The reason this chubby cockel is allowed to sit among the caviar of high society is simple - I'm funny, or so they tell me (I wouldn't dare presume, but thankfully BAFTA did).
People just don't get it at first - how could a fat guy possibly be funny? History is littered with chubby comics who tried and failed to make people laugh, from Oliver Hardy right through to John Candy, and I'm just chuffed that I'm the geezer who finally overcame this problem.
I think it's a bit too soon to talk about a Nobel Prize for Gavin and Stacey, but a boy can dream, and I reckon it would make a nice accompaniment to all those skinny athletes winning them medals in 2012.
I'm fat, I'm funny, I love the money. Love me.
Please.
2008: BEST AND WORST TV
Two thousand and great
Summer Heights High
The Nominees
Peep Show
TV Burp
Turkish Toyboys
Cutting Edge: Baby Bible Bashers
Coronation Street
The Apprentice
Lost
Dexter
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Family Guy
South Park
New Futurama
Father Ted & I'm Alan Partridge repeats (still)
Sian Williams, BBC Breakfast News MILF
FX and More 4
Two thousand and hate
Anything with James Corden and / or Matthew Horne
Celebrity Juice
Celeb Air
Strictly Come Dancing
2008: A DARK BEIGE ODYSSEY, PART 9
November & December
Gang warfare hits new Westfield mall (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/11/new-inner-london-mega-mall-sparks-new.html), and the shocking BBC gravy train even includes the cleaners (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/11/fatcat-bbc-janitor-earning-over-fifteen.html), while Remembrance Sunday respect backfires (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/11/remembrance-sundayentire-british-army.html).
Zoo gets the Karen Matthews photoshoot they all wanted (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/11/this-week-in-zoo-phwoar-get-load-of.html), but Nuts hits back with Morgan Tsvangirai - naked! (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/11/this-week-only-in-nuts-morgan.html).
Baby P goes on tour (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/11/new-rap-tour-features-p-diddy-ice-t-and.html), while it's Diagnosis:Pancreatitis for Gillian Taylforth (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/12/dear-gillian-taylforth.html).
The X Factor reaches the ultimate showdown so far (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/12/this-saturday-on-x-factor-ultimate.html) and stars look like they have downs, but don't (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/12/people-who-look-like-they-have-downs.html, http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/12/people-who-look-like-they-have-downs_17.html).
2008: A DARK BEIGE ODYSSEY, PART 8
October
Rolf Harris hired by hospital to break bad news (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/10/can-you-tell-what-it-is-yet-its-cancer.html); and celebs wax lyrical on whether a bear shits in the woods (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/10/celebrities-speak-their-minds.html).
Zoo magazine unsure how to report editor's death (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/10/zoo-magazine-unsure-of-how-to-report.html), and more celeb autobiographies hit the shops (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/10/more-celeb-autobiographies.html).
Willy Fogg exposed as paedophile (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/10/willy-fogg-arrested-for-possession-of.html), while an innocent teen gang leader is tragically killed (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/10/innocent-gang-leader-slain-in-shooting.html).
Steven Seagal's stunt double hired to live his life while he lies in bed wanking (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/10/steven-seagal-gets-stunt-double-to-live.html) and the two smuggest men in the world face off (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/10/live-on-sky-pay-per-view-smug-wars.html).
Music finder for Heartbeat can't find song about rape (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/10/i-cant-find-upbeat-60s-song-about-rape.html), while Jonathan Ross tries to make amends for the Sachsgate scandal (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/10/jonathan-ross-offers-andrew-sachs-go-on.html).
2008: A DARK BEIGE ODYSSEY, PART 7
September
Mitch Winehouse shares his thoughts on Another Stakeout (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/09/my-favourite-movie-with-mitch-winehouse.html), and Ronnie O Sullivan steps into Ronnie Barker's shoes (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/09/two-ronnies-are-back.html).
The Paralympics launch (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/09/olympics-are-back-but-little-bit-more.html), and New Malden advertises its charms (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/09/come-to-new-malden.html). A doctor sugars bad news by recounting Adam Sandler's film successes (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/09/im-afraid-ive-got-some-bad-news-for.html), and Rape Movie hits the cinemas (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/09/from-guys-that-brought-you-date-movie.html).
Jamie Oliver reflects on how his ingredient adding style has matured (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/09/ive-grown-up-and-so-has-my-ingredient.html), while a young agnostic boy is buggered by both sides of the sectarian divide in Northern Ireland (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/09/unabummed.html). A young man dreams of having coffee thrown in his face by a celebrity (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/09/i-wish-celebrity-would-throw-coffee-in.html), and Richard Reid reviews shoes (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/09/fashion-seasons-best-mens-shoes.html).
David Bowie unsure how to pronounce his surname (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/09/david-bowie-unsure-of-how-to-pronounce.html), Arnie has written ready-made quips to almost any situation (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/09/arnold-shwarzenegger-writing-list-of.html) and Jay Kay tells the world he loves himself (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/09/i-love-myself-jay-kay-tells-press.html).
2008: A DARK BEIGE ODYSSEY, PART 6
August
TV characters divided by civil war (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/08/lovejoy-and-bergerac-come-to-blows-at.html), and the Beijing Olympics launch, though Seb Coe isn't impressed (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/08/im-sick-of-all-this-negativity-about.html).
Jamie Oliver shares the recipe for his favourite movie (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/08/my-favourite-movie-with-jamie-oliver.html), and opening A-Level results gets even more theatrical (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/08/opening-level-results-definitely.html).
Gary Glitter attempts to wake a young fan from a coma (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/08/gary-glitter-to-attempt-to-wake-boy.html), Tim Henman tries motivational speaking (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/08/tim-henman-becomes-motivational-speaker.html), and Tommy Cannon and Eddie Large fall in love (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/08/say-hello-to-cannon-and-large.html).
2008: A DARK BEIGE ODYSSEY, PART 5
July
Teens protest Ben Kingsley knighthood (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/07/hundreds-of-teens-gather-in-london-to.html), and a scouser admits he hates the Beatles (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/07/love-me-dont.html).
The credit crunch claims another victim (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/07/simon-weston-lookalike-laid-off-by.html) and creates a new drugs scene (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/07/on-bread-line.html), while Gary Glitter blasts Ronnie Wood for embarassing himself (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/07/its-what-we-do-best-patronising-open.html).
The Guardian won't shut up about The Wire (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/07/guardian-offices-evacuated-after.html), and a grandad proudly let's his young grandson in on a delicious secret (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/07/my-9-year-old-grandson-loves-it.html).
2008: A DARK BEIGE ODYSSEY, PART 4:
June
Kery Katona talks about One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/06/my-favourite-movie-with-kerry-katona.html) and Tom Cruise makes an ethnic minority report (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/06/minority-report-with-tom-cruise.html).
We meet the Big Brother 9 housemates (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/06/meet-new-big-brother-housemates.html), and R Kelly's acquittal leads to Hollywood going on a crime spree(http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/06/americawatch-celebrities-running-wild.html).
Richard Madely reviews wine stealing opportunities at the supermarkets (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/06/wine-reviews-with-richard-and-judy.html) and Rik Waller advises on issues (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/06/dear-rik-waller.html).
Dr Raj Persuad apologises for plagiarising his apology from someone else (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/06/raj-persuads-apology-for-plagiarism.html), while a British tourist in Jamaica wonders where all the Lilt has gone (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/06/have-lilt-been-lying-to-me.html).
2008: MEN AND WOMEN OF THE YEAR
The Guys:
Robert "Bob" Mugabe
Mark Dixie
Gordon Brown
The Girls:
Foxy Knoxy
Karen Matthews
Kerry Katona
2008: A DARK BEIGE ODYSSEY, PART 3
May
Boris Johnson wins London Mayor election (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/05/all-of-london-gets-bj.html), while Bill and Ted's teacher is impressed they paid actors to star in their history presentation (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/05/did-bill-and-ted-actually-pay-actors-to.html).
Ronan just likes whatever music is in the top ten (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/05/did-bill-and-ted-actually-pay-actors-to.html), but don't call George Takei lazy (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/05/hi-im-geoge-takei-and-ive-been-very.html). Michael Stich travels through time to safeguard his 1991 Wimbledon victory (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/05/stich-in-time-fights-crime.html).
Karl Howman discovers he's illiterate (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/05/apparently-im-illiterate.html), and a man blames Human Traffic for his crack habit (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/05/i-only-became-crackhead-because-i.html). John Leslie reforms (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/05/im-reforming.html), and crisis looms as Hollywood runs out of Michael Caine films to remake (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/05/hollywood-rapidly-running-out-of.html).
A busy month for Ben Elton, who starts a whirlwind romance with Elton John and writes a musical featuring the songs of Craig David (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/05/its-ben-john.html, http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/05/ben-elton-announces-his-return-to.html); Brian Sewell critiques rave flyers (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/05/art-of-90s-rave-flyers.html), and there's a mysterious new bad boy on the square in Eastenders (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/05/new-bad-boy-in-town-on-eastenders.html).
OJ finally gets it all off his chest (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/05/im-so-sorry-for-terrible-things-ive.html), and Paul Gascoigne talks about his favourite film (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/05/my-favourite-movie-with-paul-gascoigne.html), while Richard from Keeping Up Appearances plans a new adventure (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/05/if-harrison-ford-sylvester-stallone-and.html).
2008: A DARK BEIGE ODYSSEY, PART 2
April
Shoe bomber Richard Reid is sick of being typecast (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/04/so-called-shoe-bomber-sick-of-being.html), while Phil Redmond rails against London TV execs' ignorance about Liverpool (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/04/city-of-culture-circled-by-vultures.html), and Brian May warns of the dangers of too much love (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/04/brian-may-makes-chilling-warning.html).
In the real world, Charlton Heston dies (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/04/nra-hestons-death-sign-america-need.html) and the UK route of the Olympic torch procession is severely disrupted (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/04/huq-attacked-on-olympic-torch-route.html), as the Tibetgate row explodes (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/04/carol-decker-latest-celeb-to-boycott.html, http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/04/school-bullies-join-chorus-of-chinese.html, http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/04/tibetgate-childhood-game-to-be-renamed.html).
The Shannon Matthews case is big news, mother Karen a new chav villain (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/04/both-born-in-76.html, http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/04/condemnation-of-matthews-family-is-just.html).
The credit crunch starts to kick in (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/04/how-will-credit-crunch-affect-you.html), while Captain Picard of Star Trek is revealed to be a bullying racist (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/04/star-trek-revealed-captain-picard.html) and TV outlaw Renegade suffers an existential crisis (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/04/im-starting-to-notice-real-pattern-in.html).
A 90s nostalgist waxes lyrical about 1996 - the "third summer of love" (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/04/do-you-know-what-year-i-really-miss.html), Tiananmen Square's "unknown rebel" worries about whether he passed on a message (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/04/my-last-moments-on-earth-and-all-i-can.html), and gay James Bond baddie Mr Wint enjoys the deadly feeling of a bomb being forced in his anus (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/04/although-i-am-about-to-die-i-cant-help.html).
Finally, dead celebrities are remembered by the streets (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/04/gone-too-soon.html) and the worst ever festival line-up is announced (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/04/worstival.html), while the Fine Young Cannibals' Roland Gift announces a charity single for Madeline McCann (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/04/she-drives-me-maddie.html).
2008: A DARK BEIGE ODYSSEY, PART 1
The year in review
2008 - The year that will surely be best remembered for Liverpool's incredible tenure as European capital of culture.
Not really. Credit crunch, the Beijing Olympics, Baby P and lots of strange sex criminals is about the size of it.
Now over the xmas period we take a look back at the year that is, was and forever will be 2008.
January - March
Lots of things happened, but as the blog wasn't yet up and running, I can't really remember what.
Dark Beige launched on Friday 28th of March, and at first was mainly a backlog of articles originally written in 2003, with one from 2001.
Michael Aspel asks Michael Parkinson to change his hair colour and name (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/03/sorry-parkie-im-british-broadcastings.html); Parkinson meanwhile contracts J Foxes disease by way of thanks to Michael J Fox for having parkinsons (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/03/parkie-now-ive-got-jfoxs-disease.html).
Paul Young uncovers the truth about 9/11 (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/03/9-11-truth.html), and Steven Seagal demands French tap water at a script development meeting (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/03/script-development-meeting-with-steven.html), before trading threats with Jean Claude Van Damme, both men using only the titles of their films to make their threats (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/03/dont-mess-with-me-im-steven-seagal.html, http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/03/seagal-response.html).
An adult Kevin Arnold regrets taking part in The Wonder Years (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/03/i-cant-stop-having-epiphanies.html), while both West London hammer killer Levi Bellfield and octagenarian blooper enthusiast Dennis Norden advised on reader's personal problems (http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/03/dear-dennis.html, http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/03/dear-levi.html).
GREAT PRODUCT, GREAT REVIEWS
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001N6W8U0/clarkeology-21#
"Paul Ross, Leader of the black civil movement in the 1960's is an inspiration".
PEOPLE WHO LOOK LIKE THEY HAVE DOWNS, BUT ACTUALLY DON'T (AN OCCASIONAL SERIES)
Number Two: Ricky Hatton
YOUNG GUARDIAN GUIDE COLUMNIST REALLY WANTS TO BE CHARLIE BROOKER
"If I keep eating, and stay really angry, I'm going to be just like my hero!"
"Oh my God! He just looked at me!"
WHO THROWS A SHOE? YOU FIGHT LIKE A WOMAN
Talk about a brogue trader etc
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/7782422.stm
HA HA 2
Does he realise that his "trademark as a recording artist" is the same as Goldie's? (The clue's in the name)
